One day I went to Nagano to get a haircut I entered the shop and there were only 2 employees, one with a customer, one at the counter.
I took a seat and tried to explain to the lady how I wanted my hair cut, when a 3rd employee appeared from the back office.
So I was sitting there getting my hair cut, chatting along when I realized that all over sudden there were 6 employees in the room for us two customers. I had 5 different people washing, cutting, combing, my hair and it was not due to my conversational skills. Back then, my Japanese sounded like a four years old girl babbling.
In order to make some conversation, I asked if they know any bars, but they didn’t just answer that question. They drew me a map of the city, with all important sights, and 5 different bars and all in Kanji, which I could not read.

I did hear a few times what a pity it was, that I was not single, but they found your picture very adorable (don’t worry, I only showed pictures where you were fully cloth and not spitting or pissing at me)

The haircut was pretty good, and while I was getting to the counter, one asked me what I will do in Nagano, I said: “I want to go to a coffee shop.” So they started debating to which coffee shop I should go. Thats when the owner, an 50+ lady came out and said something along the lines: “Don’t send him there, send him to this cafe. Oh, he will never find that, draw him a map.”
That is when I got my second map drawn because it didn’t fit on the first one.

That’s what I call service.

The haircut was 4100 Yen and I gave the lady 5100 Yen. She was looking at me and chatting when she handed me 3000 Yen back as change. The idiot I am I pointed her mistake out and only took 1000 Yen back.

Four employees escorted me to the door, two escorted me to the street and one decided that it was irresponsible to let me go alone to the café, so she walked with me for 20 minutes to the coffee shop, but not before she brought me to the local Diesel shop (Diesel was a brand for designer jeans) because she saw me wearing a pair and I said I like Diesel.

I wrote that story down the day it happened, so it is 99% true. The 1% fiction is, my Japanese didn’t sound like a 4 years old babbling, more like a 3 years old, but I am not going to admit to that.

Being blond in Japan is pretty good for ones ego and well, I didn’t look that bad as well.

Shave A Fly’s Penis With A Laser

Who would have guessed a huge marketing budget would get your corporation into an annual tradition?

Mh… everyone who ever saw Santa Claus would have guessed that. (Santa Claus is the invention of Coca Cola)

Get well soon!

I am very sorry to hear about the potential loss of 200.000.000 lifeforms, or even more.
My condolences to their clones who still prevail in their brave battle against some invading possible not lifeform, or lifeform.
I wish the best to all of you remaining lifeforms who’s offspring I will most likely one day meet in person.

Kind regards,
the conglomerate of lifeforms known as:
Emanuel Schattauer

Just to make it clear, I am not a male chauvinistic pig and this time I don’t even pretend to be one. I just found a picture that describes in 99% curacy every argument that ever took place between a female and a male member of our species, in the past 4.000.000 years. [No over exaggeration in this sentence]

How men and women argue

Wait there is more…

If you truly feel the need for more evidence, than your every encounter with the member of the opposite sex, I present the best evidence there is: “episodic evidence” (Dilbert reference):

Cristopher Titus: “Love is Evol”

1. There is a constant barking noise, but you fail to find the object that causes the disturbance due to its size.
2. Once you found the object, you discover it eats nothing, but cabbage, carrots and apples.
   + it will not drink anything that didn’t come out of an Evian bottle.
3. That thing can’t take a dump, if no one is there to watch it doing its business.
4. The rat with long legs ( Chihuahua) has cloths which fit your girlfriend’s handbag
5. You feel a nearly irresistible urge to kick that barking rat whenever you see it.

If there would be a god,
he would not have allowed anything like this:

              
            

Update:

Here is a recipe for a very entertaining evening:

Take 1 Chihuahua which has been on a strict fruits and vegetables diet for the past 5 years.

Hand it a chicken-bone.

Sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

What will happen is simple:

The “dog” will chew on the bone and discover something animal like which was not jet cleansed by all the Evian water.

Everyone in the room will worry that the “dog” might die because of chewing on a bone and try to get that thing out of its mouth.

The rat with long legs will  fight for its life for the first time of its existence in order to keep the bone.

In an act of desperation it will attempt to swallow the bone (bigger than its own head) as a whole.

The end result will be a very, very pissed Chihuahua because it was deprived from its first experienced of being alive. Extremely shocked pet owners and the devious person who handed the bone. That person might need some time to recover from rolling on the floor laughing because the whole spectacle was just too dame awesome.

Disclaimer: the authors opinion about braking rats ( Chihuahuas) might be preconditioned due to the presence of a everywhere shitting, spoiled little terrorist who dictates the mood of everyone in the household.